


The Weight of It All

by Ukthxbye



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Comedy, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Grandparent Graham O'Brien, Implied Sexual Content, Memories, Minor Twelfth Doctor/River Song, Team TARDIS, Team as Family, Thirteenth Doctor Era, references to clothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 07:59:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18279092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ukthxbye/pseuds/Ukthxbye
Summary: Memories flashed hot behind her eyelids and she forgot to breathe until it burned in her chest. She pushed dresses back and spied a leather jacket hanging in between. She helped it fall off the hanger with its weight, and she held it up, fighting the urge to lift it to her nose. It'll just smell like leather anyway. Her hands looked so new and young on the blue black leather. So different than those fingers so old settled on her back when River wore it like armor. Her mind drifted to a softer memory as she slipped her coat off and into the arms of the jacket. These inexperienced fingers stroked the leather, and heavy zipper, still bright but damaged her nails scraping and  pausing at the chips and breaks. Her hands appeared if the Doctor shut her eyes tight enough.





	The Weight of It All

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by Jodie's photo in leather jacket for AUDI.

 

The Doctor threw open the doors wide, "Welcome to the wardrobe" She cackled at their faces. Jaw dropped all around and the effect never fails to delight as she watched them wander in stepping over crates and piles.

 

"Lord, this is a right mess," Graham whistled.

 

The Doctor frowned, balancing precariously on a box,  "I'll have you know I can find exactly what I need at a moment's notice here it's completely organized!"

 

"This jacket is hideous," Yaz grimaced holding up large patchwork coat.

 

"Oh! I wondered where that ended up! It's been years!" The Doctor jumped down over a pile of clothes to grab it from her.

 

"Completely organized," Graham said aside to Ryan who snickered.

 

The companions shuffled around aimless, showing off to each other increasingly terrible clothes until they stifled back giggles as the Doctor flew from one side to the other, tossing items into the center of the room.

 

With a shrug at each other, Graham coughed and yelled as the Doctor jogged past him, " So you wanna share what we're hunting for?"

 

She stopped in her tracks and spun around, "Sorry... yes! Fashion show in London... about 2015? Fall? No, Summer. Wait…" she held her head, face tight in a hard frown. " Its fall clothing but they have it in the summer. Very confusing." She returned to her rummaging.

 

"Wait... so we have to find... good clothes in here?" Yaz laughed.

 

Ryan shook his head, "Could just go shopping ya know."

 

"Yeah probably could scrounge plenty of cash if we check all these pockets," Graham nodded, searching in a green velvet coat in hand.

 

The Doctor threw a dress, and it smacked Graham in the face.

 

"Oi!"

 

"Sorry!... Mostly. Was meant for Yaz." She shrugged and Graham handed it to Yaz.

 

It unfurled, bright yellow chiffon yellow with a long point star print covering it. Yaz found the tag and gasped. "This is Diane von Furstenberg!" The men raised an eyebrow. She frowned, "Don't look at me like just because I'm a cop doesn't mean I don't read Vogue."

 

The Doctor slapped suits up against Ryan and Graham's backs and they yelped. Screwing her mouth up, she swapped them and tossed them over their shoulders.

 

"Everyone get dressed!" Rooms at the corners." She grinned, hands on hips.

 

"What about you?" Graham asked, moving his suit to his arm.

 

The Doctor scoffed, holding her jacket out open, " I think I look perfect, thanks."

 

But the looks across her team's face told her otherwise. " Really?"

 

"It is a fashion show after all, high standards... and all... right?" Yaz advised, wide eyed and signalling for the guys to follow what she meant.

 

Ryan coughed, "Yeah I mean we got suits, and she has a dress maybe you can find something designer for yourself?"

 

The Doctor shrunk into herself, but with a sigh she threw her hands up in defeat. "You all get changed, I'll find something."

 

Graham patted her shoulder, offering a warm smile. " That's spirit. It's like fancy dress, right? All part of the disguise."

 

The Doctor warmed at the gesture and grinned as they left for changing rooms.

 

She searched along the wall but she froze as her eye lit on a rack of clothes in the corner.

 

She meandered toward it, checking crates but her mind focused on nothing else but it.  Each one burdensome with memories private. The TARDIS groaned soft as whisper, and the Doctor winced, knowing what she said to her.

 

"I know, old girl. I know. I thought you hid these. I thought she took them with her," she sighed, eyes fluttering as her fingers caressed down the fabric of a slick green gown.

 

Memories flashed hot behind her eyelids and she forgot to breathe until it burned in her chest. She pushed dresses back and spied a leather jacket hanging in between. She helped it fall off the hanger with its weight, and she held it up, fighting the urge to lift it to her nose. _It'll just smell like leather anyway._ Her hands looked so new and young on the blue black leather. So different than those fingers so old settled on her back when River wore it like armor. Her mind drifted to a softer memory as she slipped her coat off and into the arms of the jacket. These inexperienced fingers stroked the leather, and heavy zipper, still bright but damaged her nails scraping and  pausing at the chips and breaks. Her hands appeared if the Doctor shut her eyes tight enough.

 

_Her fingers traced the zipper line, relishing the tactile memories in the leather and cold metal as she laid the jacket on a table._

 

_"Those thoughts are dangerous."_

 

_"Dangerous is sneaking up on me."  She feigned all seriousness in her voice but he chuckled like always._

 

_His arms wrapped around her from behind, "We both know that is impossible to do."_

 

_A laugh caught in her throat as he pulled her tight to him._

 

_"Thinking about a run?" he whispered in her ear and she shivered._

 

_"Like you never do," she scoffed._

 

_Something burned from her core, a dim fire seeking air to climb higher. The heat from him like embers set on her paper skin._

 

_"What do we do with this desire then?" she shuddered out as his bottom lip caressed the tip of ear._

 

_"The night is still ours... and all its choices." His hand left her stomach and rose to her chin to cup it. Slow but deliberate he turned her face toward him._

 

_Those old eyes, and hers too but ages less._

 

_"One day this won't suffice. One of us will need to run." she breathed, shutting her eyes tight._

 

_"It's only 24 years, let's challenge ourselves for once," he attempted a grin._

 

_"Only…"_

 

_His face scrunched up, every line creased_

_"Not only… I," he stammered._

 

_She pulled her head out of his hand. "It's alright. I know. I shouldn't but I knew years ago. Spoilers. Never could resist them."_

 

_"If it reminds you of what we are giving up, you can hide it somewhere," he murmured._

 

_River's eyes squinted, fighting something she couldn't explain. She stroked the blue black leather once more._

 

_"No…" She turned and embraced him, laying her head on his shoulder. "Sometimes we need to be reminded."_

 

The Doctor gasped when she opened her eyes. Rubbing her chest eased the ache but other voices took her out of the emotion.

 

"I look absolutely bloody ridiculous," Graham sighed, stepping out to the surprised faces of Yaz and Ryan.

 

Graham sneered at his shiny green suit and hot pink shirt.

 

"Give us a turn, Gramps," Ryan laughed.

 

Graham frowned but obliged with a small pivot.

 

They smirked at each other and broke into song again, "Walk Walk fashion baby—"

 

"That's enough of that!'

 

A giggle, then they continue "work it move that bitch crazy"  and danced.

 

"Good god, where is the Doc?"

 

"Here I am!" She jumped out exaggerated arms, pushing darker musings away..

 

Yaz's brow furrowed, "That's it? That's all you're doing?"

 

"Leather jackets are cool." The words tasted off in her mouth, a phrase of a past self ghosting in and her face twitched at it.

 

Yaz spoke with caution, "Well yeah, but you aren't…"

 

"Cool" Graham said, arms folded.  Yaz and Ryan shot him a look.

 

Ryan laughed, "Like you are—"

 

"I ain't ever said I was," Graham chuckled. "But I do have this suit so we'll let the fashion world judge."

 

The Doctor shrugged in the jacket, its weight awkward on her small shoulders and loaded in ways she didn't imagine.

 

"Ghosts are heavier than people think."

 

She realized she said it out loud as all their eyes turned to her, concern shining bright from each of them.

 

She swallowed hard as she glanced around wide-eyed. Yaz frowned and Ryan dropped his gaze to his feet. And Graham, _always him with that look of shared pain,_ she mused.

 

"Doc…" he sighed, unfolding his arms.

She shook her head violently, ignoring the sudden burn in her eyes. "No... just…" she held her hand out as she dropped her chin to her chest. "I'm wearing it. No other questions, ok?" Her voice cracked, and she huffed out a breath when the burning calmed.

 

"Looks great," Yaz smiled, a soft hand on the Doctor's shoulder. "Maybe let's change boots to match, I think I have pair you can borrow... and some makeup?"

 

The Doctor nodded with a gulp, fidgeting with the zipper on the arm, "Yeah, might need some help with that."

 

Graham clapped and rubbed his hands together, "Hey, once that's done, let's get out of here, get some air. Tea and biscuits? If we're headed in London, maybe we can get some afternoon tea somewhere fancy?"

 

"Always with the food, Graham," the Doctor snickered, appreciating the mood lightening.

 

"Yeah let's be posh. I look too fit to waste my time in here," Ryan grinned, buttoning his suit jacket, making an exaggerated model face.

 

Yaz laughed as she struck a fashion pose as well and sang " I'm so fancy…" and Ryan joined in before Graham interrupted groaning pushing them to the door.

 

The Doctor fell behind the group, shutting the doors.

 

"Please hide it all somewhere next time, old girl," she gritted through her teeth.

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to Mouse 9 for beta and to Rachel basically telling me to write it.
> 
> Song inspiration for the middle part with 12 is All Through the Night by Anna Nalick


End file.
